Monthly Archives: October 2010

for the last time in a long, long time.

i like the contrast between the fumes of the city and the white fluffy clouds of the country, but i’ll always be a city kid. always.


hard to forgive or forget, harder still to forgive and forget. so very hard. begrudging personalities aren’t very becoming. nobody likes a grumpy lady. nobody at all.

The Quarter-Life Crisis
by unknown

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn’t know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren’t so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you’d just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

my grandpa would just say this generation has got it too good and that we don’t know what real hardship is. fair enough – he survived the Japanese occupation during World War II, started married life with a few bucks in his bank account with no help from his mother or father, but still managed to send two kids overseas 20 years later. he never took a day off work until the day he retired in 1984, not even when he was deathly sick until his boss told him he didn’t look so good.

yeah…my grandpa would just say, you lot like to complain so much and NOT do anything about it. it’s mostly true.

sometimes we just have to shut up and get on with it.

to stave off onslaughts of pessimism, scathing cynicism and complete lack of hope, i look to the simple things such as admiring my new nail colour – Chanel Particulière – which, at first sight, looked like mud to me, but after several glances, it turned more mocha. apparently judging things at first glance/taste never works out. i look forward to early morning meals (whenever my body clock allows) with my querulous grandma and sagely grandpa. or just meeting up with old friends and recollecting the past and wondering what to do in the near future. it turns out that if you’re satisfied with the small stuff, better things will follow – with hard work, of course.

but the natural cynic in me must ask, “is life an entire series of “hey, it’s not so bad after all?””

I brought her home on 3 July 2008. The doctors expected her to last a few weeks. She lived till 2nd October, 2 years and 3 months. She remained lucid. They gave time for me and my children to come to terms with the inevitable. In the final few months, her faculties declined. She could not speak but her cognition remained. She looked forward to have me talk to her every evening.

Her last wish she shared with me was to enjoin our children to have our ashes placed together, as we were in life.

The last two years of her life were the most difficult. She was bed- ridden after small successive strokes; she could not speak but she was still cognizant. Every night she would wait for me to sit by her to tell her of my day’s activities and to read her favourite poems. Then she would sleep.

I have precious memories of our 63 years together. Without her, I would be a different man, with a different life. She devoted herself to me and our children. She was always there when I needed her. She has lived a life full of warmth and meaning.

I should find solace at her 89 years of her life well lived. But at this moment of the final parting, my heart is heavy with sadness.

regardless of what you might think of this man, he is still human, as we all are.

we should all be so lucky to unearth one person out of six billion people in the world whom we can justifiably call our equal, both in intellectual and emotional capacities. so very, very lucky indeed.

i can’t help but share these amazing plates that i came across at Kingdom of Style. buy them at James’ Etsy shop. i mean, who doesn’t want a plate with a Mexican wrestling bear on it? or, more importantly, a badger eating cake in his underwear…?

i’d hate to think what my future house would look like: an esoteric revolting amalgamation of all things shiny, kitschy and downright strange. having gone through all my drawers this weekend to sift out unwanted yesteryear crap, it’s safe to say that i think people thought that i would appreciate:

1)  bells (whether this is a joke or not i don’t remember) but yeah i have an abnormal number of bells. the ding ding ding kind.
2) diaries. i have at least a few hundred empty pages waiting to be scrawled on.
3) wooden carvings of an assortment of animals
4) very shiny jewelry

don’t get me wrong; i am grateful these people remembered my birthdays over the years (though mine always is during the summer which means everyone was never around to attend my nonexistent birthday parties). and they weren’t wrong either in buying me shiny, noisy paraphernalia…i’ve just accumulated a lot of this. and i’d feel bad for throwing out stuff people gave me because that would just be rude. after all, it’s the fleeting thought and subsequent guilt that drove your friend to buying a small gift for you that counts. these days, guilt is kind of equivalent to generosity.

after browsing through dishes, i feel like i could go for some generic cheesecake right now. like from Secret Recipe or The Cheesecake Factory or something. i’m easily satisfied.