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Monthly Archives: December 2010

i actually enjoyed Black Swan. i thought it was beautiful, from start to the end. and i never watch movies, neither do i talk about them. however, by some severe twist of fate, i managed to haul my ass to the movies twice so far this week: Gulliver’s Travels – Jack Black just gives off the wrong impression about small people the world over; Tron – really? so, anyway, i purposefully sat my ass down to watch my second darren aronofsky film tonight. i watched my first one – Requiem for a Dream – when i was 14/15. it freaked me out. i sat down for a whole hour afterward in silence. i only watched it once, but i remember every second of it. i remembered that *fresh* ending of RFAD all too well. i expected something worse with Black Swan the way everyone’s gone on about it, but whatever. i love you natalie portman and i’d gladly have your babies if benjamin millepied didn’t get there first.  lauren and i wish for you to have your baby in Wal-mart, at the very least. i love you, your psycho ballerina eyes and your angry lesbian face. black swan might just be your crowning glory yet.

well, no, this video is your actual crowning glory.

When I was at Harvard I smoked weed everyday
I cheated every test snorted all the yay
I gotta a def posse and you gotta bunch of dudes
I sit right down on your face and take a shit


BLACK SWAN WHAT?

if there’s anything christmas and the new year should be about, it’s forgiveness.

today, i felt sad. i sat in my bathroom a lot, playing Angry Birds angrily, pathetically on my phone because i felt that sad. i felt sad because i said some mean things that should never ever be uttered, regardless of how angry a person might be. there are some things, i guess, that nobody ever wants to hear, truth or not, judicious or not, practical or not. there’s some shit you just can’t talk about no matter how much you love or trust the person.  i can never seem to say very much verbally about deep rooted and upsetting issues due to an inherent miscoding in my DNA. this inability to talk to others irks me. i suppose this is going on my 2011 list of things to do. in any case, my sad day is over now, just like 2010.

i look at my shelf of toys, and then to my shelf of shoes. somewhere along the way while transitioning between the two shelves, i realized that it’s never really okay to just “be yourself”. “yourself” is such an arbitrary term. how do you “be yourself” without being influenced by the “real” world, the world that entails  mediocre jobs, money, fast cars and large paper cups of diet soda? is there someone i should aspire to be? an ever smiling girl , perhaps, who runs as though she were flying like a beautiful swan every morning, hair slicked back into a high pony tail, one gold heirloom earring on each ear, white running shoes gleaming in the morning sun. even her running gait – a high kick with every floating step – suggests nothing but success in her life. this is a girl who brims with such effervescent energy so much so that everyone loves her. everyone must love her.

but as quickly as she appears in my mind, she is gone. i am unsure if she will make me happy, but i reckon not.  then i wonder if i ever will be just an ever smiling girl whose face is permanently lit up, not just at the sight of someone, something, a mere thought. this is my biggest handicap: not being able to smile all the time. i wear my heart too much out in the open, exposed to all the dirt, the pollution, the things that people tell me; i cannot pretend. in recent days, i have been told to “sell my soul” and just be. just be. as if we are nothing more than a mass body of particles that came into existence, whose genetic code simply sprang from the depths of the core of the earth. and that is what we must do: exist. not live, exist. what about living and then existing? what about existing and then living? are these two notions independent of one another? we exist to live, to live like terrible pirates who knew nothing and hence had no fear of the unknown, who were unafraid to pillage and desecrate and tear everything and anything who came between them and their treasure; to live like brave generals who led their armies to war with the enemy, who would be the last man standing while everything crumbled before his bloodied body; to live like princesses who knew their place in the family, who would do nothing out of the ordinary, nothing but satisfy the grotesque man who lay in her bed every night before she slept. at the end of an era, at the end of a decade, at the end of a lifetime, what will we be remembered for? who will we be remembered as? if only i could live each day for its own beauty, to appreciate each rotation of the earth on its axis, to not think of what lies ahead several more spins ahead. i try to, but that would disallow me from being “myself”.

1. my parents and sister left for china this morning. to compensate, my grandparents took me out for a crab dinner. my belly is going to burst right now, but that’s okay – it’s nearly christmas.

2. today, i received a Disneyland postcard sent from inside Disneyland from Lauren and a Christmas package filled with candy and a creepy little ring (just my thing) from Catherine. old school mail makes me feel so alive.

3. i found this vintage 80s ralph lauren crest blazer on etsy last night. i couldn’t resist not purchasing it, so i scrounged some leftover cash and got it this afternoon. hey, it’s christmas and i’ve been looking for it for the past 2 years. what’s not to love about a blazer that’ll make you look like a public school going boy.

or a Sim who belongs to a Secret Society.

1. the sky looked particularly pregnant with rain today, but soon the wind blew the clouds away and it only drizzled a little – where i live, at least. this put me in the mood for Wuthering Heights.

2. i drove my sister and her visiting friend to the shops today. i did not buy anything, because i am, again, in the red after a weekend of online shopping. well, i picked up a couple of minimalistic grown-up looking dresses at uniqlo yesterday just because they were RM50 a pop. i think it was also to get into the spirit of shopping with the masses instead of at home alone on my computer. hah.

3. the city is abuzz with christmas cheer this year, more so than i can remember in the past few christmases that i’ve been home. kuala lumpurians are taking to the malls, five children in tow and all, shopping for christmas gifts – or maybe just general milling around the mall, since there isn’t much else to do in this city i call home. life in KL is a relentless cycle of eat, shop, eat, shop. not that i hear many people complaining.

“i want harry potter, mom, i want ALL OF THEM!! LOOK, MOM, LOOK!” screamed a wayward child, slamming his little fingers against the casing of the harry potter LEGO display that i was quite taken with. i thought the attention to detail was really quite exquisite; they even included a turkey on the table of the Great Hall. if only i could so openly and loudly proclaim my deepest christmas wishes to my mother without getting yelled at.

“okay, okay, later la,” the mother said impatiently. the boy then bounded off to the next display and yelled slightly too enthusiastically about how cool everything looked.

it is, indeed, the time of the year when i can overlook even the most obnoxious and whiny of children. ho ho ho!